Sunday, July 11, 2004

Describe Love For Money Day!

It seems hard to believe, but a great many Americans (surveyed) have never fallen in love. Either because they are extremely busy, extremely shallow, or were hurt by the loss of a pet at a very young age and have yet to risk opening their hearts to another living creature, these people neither crave this "love" about which so many songs are written, not do they fear it. They are simply curious.

That's where you come in. These people want to know the difference between "loving" and "grabbing." They want to know why, following sexing, some people choose to spend the night together instead of dressing and walking out the door in silence, with averted eyes. They want a workbook full of exercises.

Call it "This Is What Love Is" and charge seven hundred dollars. Only allow pro-rated refunds up to the 8th class session. And give out diagrams that show puppies sharing ice cream cones.

Break love down into seven stages: Confusion, Surrender, Ripping Metal From Metal With Seeming Superhuman Strength To Pull The Object Of Your Love From A Car Wreck As A Seeping Puddle Of Gasoline Approaches, Suspicion, Disillusionment, Experimentation, Murder-Suicide.

Here are some notes for your lectures:

1. Confusion: "So you're just going about your business and all of a sudden you see this face or this flip of the hair and it's like you got conked on the head!"

2. Surrender: "You try to fight the feeling, but trust me baby, you are powerless. I don't care how rich you are. Love's gonna getcha!"

3. Ripping Metal From Metal With Seeming Superhuman Strength To Pull The Object Of Your Love From A Car Wreck As A Seeping Puddle Of Gasoline Approaches: "Being in love doesn't make you a superhero. But if the object of your love is in danger of dying, you will find that you can do things you never thought you could do. Such as flight."

4. Suspicion: "You love her so much that when she comes home late from work you decide she's handing it out to anyone with a late-model Chrysler!"

5. Disillusionment: "He's still the only one who understands the real you. But you feel utterly deceased inside, and you think that all you have left to do is wait for your body to die too."

6. Experimentation: "You'll be thinking, Hey! I never did it with a Black!"

7. Murder-Suicide: "Till death do us part baby. I mean, you can say that right before, you know. Or you can come up with your own little bon mot that you can say right before the end. Let's hear some ideas."

Just remember, a lot of the people in your classroom are gonna be angry types who wanna challenge you. They'll have signed up after they got dumped because they didn't know how to love, and they'll be looking at you and thinking, "This is the kind of guy she's looking for. Fucking fruitcake, is what." Look out for yourself, and expect your car to get keyed.

Happy Describe Love For Money Day!