Tuesday, July 27, 2004

For Charity Day!

Today, volunteer at a soup kitchen. Many of the homeless are mentally insane and one at the soup kitchen will confuse you with a woman to whom he has been married for decades. Try to calmly explain that you are not his wife.

"Are too," he'll say.

Don't reply "Are not" or you'll never get out of there. Instead give one of the kitchen administrators the high sign and then fall to the ground in an effort to fake your own death. The administrator will run over and press his fingers to your throat and then he'll announce, "She's dead," and after the confused homeless man sobs his tears all over your face and neck, the security guards will drag you back into the kitchen.

You might smoke a cigarette or take a leak before you come back out and resume serving soup. The now-bereaved homeless man will see you and he'll shout "Ethel!" or whatever he thinks your name is.

Say to him, "You just saw me die so I must be a ghost I guess. I can't hear what you say to me, and if you try to touch me I'll vanish."

The confused homeless man will not take his eyes off of you, and he'll probably follow you home for the next few years, but he won't bug you while you're trying to do some good at least.

Happy For Charity Day!