Monday, April 14, 2003

Photographs Of Famous Dead Drunks Day!

Famous dead drunks have had a lot of photographs taken of them; usually before they were dead, while they were famous, and based on the smiles on their faces, most definitely while they were drunk. Captions to these photos will often read, "The very-worshipped Ribald McBrilliantwriter enjoying his early morning pint at his favorite pub where a shrine made of gold has been erected in his honor on the spot on the floor where he went to lay down one evening and gradually vomited most of his organs out of his body until he was found deceased and empty of his insides." Looking at a photograph like that makes you kinda wanna end up a famous dead drunk yourself, yes?

Here's how you do it. First, get drunk and stay that way. Hurry up!

Next stop, fame. To add this ingredient, you'll just have to create something that makes you famous, like a book about being poor, or you could be a stage actor who yells a lot, or a book about rich people who kill, or you could just be witty and sit near and screw people who write books or stand on stage yelling at imaginary Dads. Don't forget to stay drunker than Christ.

Finally, die. This is gonna be disgusting but at least you don't have to worry about how to go about it since your death will be taken care of for you if you follow the first step. You will live a long life, drunks always do, but when you die there's going to be a lot of saliva involved.

Along the way, be sure to get your picture taken often, and with big smiles all around (unless you wanna look pensive or brooding). You might find yourself at points where you think your life is a walking death and where you've managed to cut off everyone who once cared for you, leaving you to suffer the company of sycophants and golddiggers. You might attempt suicide, which is fine even if you succeed, as long as you already got famous. At times you'll be poor and angry and you'll go through this period of thirty years or so where you regret ever having taken a single drink. Don't get your picture taken during any of these times. Remember, big smiles! I'll raise one to ya' one day.

Happy Photographs Of Famous Dead Drunks Day!