Sunday, April 06, 2003

Hang Your Sneakers From An Electrical Wire Day!

Did I say "Hang your sneakers from an electrical wire?" I meant to say, "Hang yourself from the loop of your own belt clenched in the bathroom doorframe."

Just kidding. Really, hang your sneakers from an electrical wire. But if you were going to hang yourself from the loop of your own belt, the bathroom would be a nice place to do it because when you poop and pee yourself it would be easier for your roommates to clean up from the bathroom floor than if you did it in your bedroom. But if your roommates were forced to clean up the floor of your bedroom, that would really make them carry the memory of your suicide really close to their selves. They'd probably have to move out of the apartment. Maybe they'd try to stick it out and rent out your room, but they'd end up just shutting out the new roommate and maybe even hating him because he'd be able to live in that room without caring a damn that they'd once had to free someone from the doorframe and let his body fall upon their shoulders, maybe causing them to slip and nearly fall in the puddle of waste underneath their feet (will they have taken the time to put on shoes?).

But wait, if you had hung yourself from a belt in the doorframe, they would've had to open the door to get into your room so you would've already tumbled to the puddle on the floor. Unless they'd climbed into your room from the fire escape. But even so, then they're picking your excrement drenched body from the floor and figuring out where in the apartment to lay you out until the ambulance arrives. Then comes the cleaning of the floor. And of course your releatives arriving to collect your things. Fuck me.

But anyway, forget all that. Just go out to the middle of the street and toss your old converse up to dangle from the electrical wire. It makes streets look prettier.

Happy Hang Your Sneakers From An Electrical Wire Day! And not to beat the subject into the ground, but you should do a jump-test with the belt to make sure your doorframe will support your weight. Just grab the loop and jump up in the air, then hang there by your grip. If the belt doesn't free itself from the frame, let 'er rip!