Monday, April 21, 2003

Apocalypse Boyfriend Day!

Tomorrow, just after you contract SARS, your afternoon Latte will be ruined when a suicide bomber sprints through the door blowing the place apart. If you survive, you'll get to watch the nuclear holocaust and you'll get to finally find out if, when a nuclear bomb goes off, everyone turns into skeletons standing up like they always do on TV.

Now then, do you really want to spend the night listening to Mr. Long-Haul detail his five-year investment plan for you again? Why don't you go get yourself an Apocalypse Boyfriend.

Apocalypse Boyfriends are fucking adorable and they're just employed enough to afford just enough alcohol to make you forget about how screwed over you ended up the last time you lifted your skirt for someone with such a habit for tardiness. There'll be no annoying "getting-to-know-you" period since they don't really want to know you, which is perfect since there won't be much more to know after the bombs drop. Even though they aren't too good at making plans, you can always find your Apocalypse Boyfriend as long as you know where he drinks or who else he's screwing besides you.

In this day and age, you and your Apocalypse Boyfriend will have the only truly level relationship since neither of you wants anything more than to rub up against each other and feel good for another five minutes. Perfect for you since you don't believe you'll live much longer than the end of the day. Perfect for him because he never cared what happens after that anyway.

And you can wait to tell your parents the engagement is off. If your Apocalypse Boyfriend ends up getting rough with you, you might end up back with Mr. Long-Haul when he shows up out of nowhere to belt your Apocalypse Boyfriend and show you what sort of man was lurking underneath all that dependability all along (NOTE: You would never have found this out had you not left him for Apocalypse Boyfriend in the first place, so it was still a good idea).

Happy Apocalypse Boyfriend Day!