Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Break Up With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Via Hot Air Balloon Day!

Act like you just wanted to surprise your special little pumpkin-head with a nice, romantic hot-air balloon ride. He or she will think you're trying to make up for the fact that you've been really cold and cunty lately and you'll get a big, wet kiss on the mouth before you both head for the car.

Climb into the basket and continue to act all "We're in it to win it, us two in this here relationship!" Do this by touching. Keep the game going until the balloon pilot (they're called "Looners" in the industry) cuts your ropes from the ground and you start to rise. Before you can blink an eye, you'll already be eight feet off the ground, which is the point at which you should dive from the basket with a forward roll onto the ground below (any higher than eight feet and you might fuck up and die).

Your lambykins will be staring down at you stunned, not sure whether to laugh or call an ambulance on his or her cell phone. As soon as you get back on your feet, just shout "I don't think we should see each other anymore! I feel like I've built a house up around me that doesn't have any windows or doors! And I wanna go outside! We're broken up now!" Then run.

Or, if you don't think you can get the words out, make some signs and hold them up for your Tupthumper to read. Then run. Your nookynooky will demand to be lowered down after you, but the Looner will offer some excuse as to why that can't happen, not letting on that you tipped him extra to do just that.

If you wanna get a really good headstart on your runaway, take the car. Or if it's not your car, at least throw the keys into a swamp. And don't answer your cell phone. They work in hot air balloons and your Lumplumps can call you to explain why you can't go. Throw your cell phone into a swamp. You are a coward.

Happy Break Up With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Via Hot Air Balloon Day!