It's the Girls Are Pretty "Can't Believe That Son Of A Bitch Is Still Alive" Weekend!
Check it out ya'll. Pretty Girl received word that her father lives still. An unmarked envelope showed up under her door with a black and white photograph of a man who looks like her father buying fruit at an outdoor market. All these years, Pretty Girl assumed he had died when Castro assumed power. Now that she has evidence he's alive, she's gonna have to hit the road to fulfill her lifelong fantasy of killing the piece of shit with her bare hands. Since he is presumed to be in the Ukraine, this might take all weekend. Just to be safe, Friday through Sunday are going up today. As usual, if you read ahead, you might end up gay. Scroll down to read Friday's now. Then come back and read Saturday's tomorrow. Don't fuck this up.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Country Club Day!
Head over to the club and see if anyone's up for some backgammon. If not, tell everyone they're too scared to face your backgammon wrath, then park yourself on a barstool and drink vodka tonics until you're blind. One day, you're going to regret today.
Happy Country Club Day!
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Stand On The Shoulders Of Giants Day!
See if you can peek into the windows of a skyscraper and watch people doing it. If at first you don't see anyone doing it or anyone taking a shower even, tell your giants to move on to the next building. It's okay to get impatient if your giants take those big, languorous, Giant steps. Just yell out, "Let's get a move on Giants! It's like 11 PM! There's gotta be someone getting naked or having sex in this city. And don't shrug, it makes me nauseous." And if your Giants don't move right away, tell them to show you what they see because they probably spotted someone banging and they wanna hog it. When you finally find someone doing it, beat off. Your Giants will be cool with it. That's what you're paying them for.
Happy Stand On The Shoulders Of Giants Day!
Friday, April 11, 2003
Make Maps Day!
Today is the day to make some maps. They can be maps of anything you want. Whether you want to draw a "Dick Map" which shows people how to find your dick. Or you can make a "House Map" to either show people how to get around in your house or how to get to your house if you're having a party. Or how about a "Store Map" of all your favorite stores in town or a "Dick Map" that shows where dicks live, like your ex-girlfriend or that guy who hates blacks. Don't make a treasure map though, because if you do someone might find the map and dig up the treasure. So just dig up the treasure then figure out how to exchange treasure for money. You have to make at least 40 maps so get some crayons and hit it!
Happy Make Maps Day!