Tuesday, March 21, 2006

You Sell Flatscreen TVs Day!

Today a young man is going to come into your store looking for a traditional, small and boxy color television that can fit on top of a dresser so that his pregnant girlfriend can have a TV to watch during her bed-rest after the delivery of the baby.

"Congratulations," say to him.

"Oh, it was kind of an accident," he'll say. "But I'm cool with it."

You'll be showing him some 13" TVs for under a hundred dollars when his pregnant girlfriend will come to his side and take his arm. As it turns out, his pregnant girlfriend will have been your prom date in high school.

"Oh my God," she'll say.

"Look at you," you'll say.

"Fucking weird," her boyfriend will say.

She'll hug you and you'll feel her belly touch yours.

She'll laugh, "Guess you're glad that I didn't let you go all the way after prom!"

Say, "Am I?"

Then start your pitch. Drag them away from the tiny televisions and begin your song-and-dance about the emergence of plasma technology and what a newborn baby deserves.

"Do you really want him to one day ask you why the Johnsons down the block have a better TV than you do? Of fucking course not."

Then tell them about 0% financing. Your prom date will stand by her boyfriend's side, watching you exercise your craft. When your boyfriend points to a 46" plasma screen wall unit and he says "I'll take it," there will be a smile on his face. Send him over to the financing desk.

"You're really good at your job," your prom date will tell you. "Really�"

"Graceful?" say. "This is nothing compared to the tenderness and grace that I would have bestowed upon your joyous flesh had you only given me the chance that night in our shared motor lodge room."

"I can see now that I made a mistake then," she'll say.

"Too late for that," tell her. Sulk a bit.

"I cannot entertain regret," she'll say. "I have a child on the way and my child will not have a mother who wishes things could have been different. My child will not grow up knowing his mother thinks she should have slept with her prom date but chose not to out of fear."

"Your child will have a liar for a mother," tell her.

She'll say, "So be it, Television Salesman."

Her boyfriend will come back with his finished paperwork and you'll direct them to the back of the store where they can pull up their car to pick up their unit. Not long after they are gone, several members of the nominating committee of the secret neighborhood treehouse, which you were never invited to join because they said you sounded gay when you talked, will enter the store looking for someone to sell them a set of modestly priced stereo speakers. Vengeance is yours.

Happy You Sell Flatscreen TVs Day!