Saturday, March 25, 2006

Cat In The Carrier Day!

Today you'll be happening down the block on your way to start drinking (Noonish) when you'll come upon a boy and a girl (mid-thirties) yanking back and forth on a cat carrier full to the bring with a moaning, mewling and hissing housecat. There'll be furniture and boxes full of books all over the sidewalk.

Settle this.

"Hoooo there," say to them. "What's the problem."

"She'll leave our home, but she'll not be taking Funnyface to be raised by that woeful man!" the boy will say.

"It was I who rescued Funnyface from that deplorable shelter. Long before I ever made the mistake for which I can never forgive myself, the mistake of falling in love with you," the girl will retort.

Say, "Sounds like the lady's got dibs."

The boy will use one hand to point a finger at the girl. "Her morals are wretched. She is leaving me for a failed rock and roll musician. She invited him into our bed while I was watching my father die in a hospital in Des Moines, waiting for him to awaken in order that we could share one civil word before he passed. But he never awoke; he died with my hand clasped in his without ever having regained consciousness. And I returned with darkness in my heart only to find that my love had packed put her share of our life into boxes, which were being carted down the steps by a skinny child with died black hair and more than likely genital warts."

The horn of the parked moving van will sound and the skinny child behind the wheel will wave to you upon hearing his introduction.

Wave back, then say to the girl, "Sounds like he's got some pretty valid grievances. What about you, pretty?"

"He's boring," the girl will say.

"Well I'm stumped," tell them. "Why don't you take the cat out of the box, place it on the sidewalk between the two of you, and whomever it runs to first will be the rightful caregiver."

The boy and the girl will warily release their grips on the cat box and you'll place it on the ground and open the gate. The cat will crawl from the box and without looking at anyone he'll race down the block and disappear into a construction site.

The boy and the girl will burst into tears and run into each other's arms to kiss. The kid in the van will take off with all the girl's stuff in it. He'll sell it all and buy an amp. Your work will be done, and you'll finally head off the bar and not a moment too soon because the last time you waited until one o'clock for your first drink you had a series of mini-strokes and lost the hearing in your left ear.

Happy Cat In The Carrier Day!