The ghosts in your house think it's fun to hold your head down on the couch and fart on your face. The farts smell like attics and wet spiderwebs. They've been holding you down on the couch for five days straight so far, which is nothing to them since they face an eternity in the spirit-world. They haven't let you eat or drink anything so you're just barely alive. If you don't want to die, you're going to have to help them pass over into the next world. They most likely held a kid down and farted on his face in a playground and accidentally killed him at some point. Go and tell that kid's parents that the ghosts are sorry. If that doesn't work, slip them some Ghost Bean-O.
Happy Ghost Farts Day!