Today you're going to be rescued by Portly Pete, a big fat superhero.
A group of corporate embezzlers will yank you into an alley and start kicking the living shit out of you. They'll clearly be high on crank. You'll scream for help and that's when Portly Pete will sound his call of warning.
"I'm gonna fall on you guyyyyyyyys!" he'll shout from down the block. The embezzlers will look at the majestic mass of Portly Pete straining and panting to quicken his pace all the way down at the end of the block and they'll start laughing while they continue kicking the shit out of you.
Portly Pete will stop once or twice to keep from fainting. The embezzlers will be merciless in their beatdown. Finally, Portly Pete will enter the alley, his face red and sweaty. He won't be able to catch his breath to threaten the embezzlers.
"You want some of this?" one of the embezzlers will say when he pulls a switchblade from his sock.
At that Portly Pete will faint on two of the embezzlers, killing them instantly. The other three will try to roll Portly Pete off of their friends, but they will succeed only in rolling Portly Pete over top themselves. They will die of asphyxiation.
You'll get up and thank Portly Pete, but he'll be unconscious, his lips turning blue. Call an ambulance.
Happy Portly Pete Day!
