The men in your family have been members of the Tri Beta fraternity for generations, and all of them but you are blind. That's because it's a point of pride amongst the men in your family that they have always been the ones to operate the Tri Beta bra cannon.
At all of the larger campus events the students can count on the Tri Betas to gather all of the bras that have been collected at their frat house over the preceding months and propel them up and into the crowd with the shot of a cannon. The Tri Betas are not the only fraternity to practice this time-honored ritual, but they are the only ones to still use the very first cannon that was acquired by the fraternity in 1884. The other fraternities use devices that operate with hydraulics and springs. But the Tri Beta bras have always been sent flying using a combination of flame and gunpowder. It's why the Tri Beta bras are often reduced to burning cinders when they finally touch ground.
From, your great grandfather down to your father, every man in your family has been blinded by that godforsaken cannon. Today you have to set it off for the first time since returning from Christmas break. You're thinking about all that you have before you, and how difficult it all will be if you lose your sight. You're also thinking about how you'd rather go blind than have to look upon your father and grandfather if they ever found out you had worn goggles behind that storied weapon.
Today, light the match. Let your heritage claim what it will.
Happy Bra Cannon Day!