Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Security Guard Fistfight Day!

You're wealthy and filled with ugliness, so why not go downstairs and pay the two security guards on duty $500 each to fistfight downstairs in the boiler room. They'll agree to it without skipping a beat (they hate each other and have been looking for a reason).

When you get down there, you'll find two housekeepers stripped down to their underwear and holding lighters up to each other's underarms while Gladys Hornwipple from 14L watches with a slightly bemused look on her face. She'll have a stopwatch in her hand. Say hello to Gladys.

"Hey," she'll say. "Almost done."

"That's okay," tell her. "We'll use the laundry room."

Gladys lost her husband two years ago and she's been having trouble spending her vast inheritance in ways that might amuse her. It'd be cruel to interrupt what little fun she might find.

When you get to the laundry room, place the two piles of hundred dollar bills on one of the dryers. The security guards will strip to the waist and wait for your command.

"You can't use your flashlights," tell them. "Throw them to me."

They'll toss the flashlights to you and then glare at each other.

Say, "Fight!"

They'll fly at each other like wildcats and spin around in each other's grip for around thirty seconds. When they finally part, one will fling the other head first into the change slot of a washing machine. His head will crack open and the fight will be over.

You'll have a lot of work to do to keep from ending up on the front page tomorrow. Luckily the living security guard will know exactly where all of the desolate exits are and how to get the tape of the camera feed. You'll have the body wrapped in a tarp in the back of the living security guard's Camry in no time.

Tomorrow the security guard will begin to blackmail you. $5,000 a day. You can afford it, but you're already being blackmailed by two former mistresses and an ex-President of the United States. Pay the security guard for a little while, at least until your accountant can crunch the numbers to see if it would be cheaper in the long run to have the security guard killed.

Happy Security Guard Fistfight Day!