Sunday, February 26, 2006

The World's Favorite Former Tennis Star Is A Drunk Day!

Spend your morning with a bottle of vodka so that when the TV crew arrives at your house, you'll barely be able to sit up straight. Give them an interview that will replayed on every celebrity tabloid show for weeks. The highlights clips will go storming across the internet like wildfire. That's right, the world's beloved former tennis star is a drunk now, and she's damn good at it.

The interviewer will luckily be intelligent enough to grab hold of the opportunity. She'll never ask if you're drunk or if you have a drinking problem. She'll only ask, "Is the life of a sports celebrity the life you've always wanted?" That will open up the gate for you to talk about the drawbacks in the life of a sports celebrity, such as the part where you have to sue your mother to get half of your earnings back. Or the part where you purposely injure yourself just to get painkillers prescribed to you again. Or the part where your movie star husband, the only man you've ever loved, explains that the reason he never wants to sleep with you is because you're not a man.

"But I've thrown up on some of the finest clay on the planet," you'll tell the camera. "So I got that going for me."

You'll exude the same charm that made you such an icon on the court, and your little breakdown will actually earn you fans who've never even watched tennis. When you come out of rehab next year, you'll be sent two VIP tickets to the US Open. When you arrive with your latest movie star husband (also queer), the two of you will receive a standing ovation, and within a week you'll sign the papers to host a daytime talk show that has the same name as you. The only thing America loves more than a celebrity with her pants down is a celebrity who has the common courtesy to moon the camera before hoisting her pants back up.

Happy The World's Favorite Former Tennis Star Is A Drunk Day!