Monday, February 27, 2006

Your New Boyfriend Was The Killer All Along Day!

For the past few days your new boyfriend has been your fearless protector because whenever you'd find another body or you'd hear something in the woods and start running, he'd appear out of nowhere and hold you tight in his arms. You felt really lucky for having met this guy just as the killings began because it would have really sucked to be single during all of this. Every night after someone's body is found, everyone couples up in the living room, the girlfriends crying into their boyfriends' shoulders while the boyfriends ask questions like, "So we're just supposed to sit here and wait for him to pick us off, one by one?" Normally you'd be the one in the kitchen doing dishes and testing the CB radio to see if it works yet, but now you get to cry into your boyfriend's shoulder just like everyone else.

Until now. Now that you're alone in the basement with all the doors locked shut from the inside, you notice that your boyfriend has two razor sharp hooks where his hands should be.

"How long have you had those?" you'll ask.

"Since the accident, when I was left to die by the side of the road while teenagers drove by having sex and throwing beer cans at me," he'll say. He'll be scraping the hooks along metal stuff to make scary noises.

"Oh my God, it was you all along," you'll say.

"You were right about what you said when I asked you why you're still single," he'll say. "Guys are jerks."

He'll lunge at you. You should duck out of the way and run and scream, okay?

Happy Your New Boyfriend Was The Killer All Along Day!