Tuesday, June 14, 2005

You're Going To Have To Tell Her About Your Days In Gay Porn Day

You're Going To Have To Tell Her About Your Days In Gay Porn Day!

You and your girlfriend were taken hostage by Enemies Of America® and for twelve days now they've been torturing the both of you to try to get you to tell them American Secrets™. You've held up okay, strong with the faith in your country's military, but you're afraid your girlfriend might not live long enough to see a rescue.

"Just tell them what they want to hear," you've been begging her through the wall separating your cells.

"Never," she always rasps. She just loves America too much.

You know you've got a concussion so you've been trying to stay awake. You have to assume she's in the same danger, so for two days straight you've been trying to keep her awake with conversation through the wall.

You've been scrambling for topics to keep her interested, confessing to everything from cheating on your AP Biology test to being relieved when your brother finally pulled off a suicide attempt. But you can tell she's been fading. You're going to have to get into the big one.

"Look," tell her. "There's something I have to tell you that I hoped you'd never find out."

You won't hear anything for a second. Then, barely, "I'm listening."

Say, "I'm not proud of this."

Her voice will be a little louder, "Go on."

Go on. "When I got out of college," say. "I fell in with kind of a weird crowd. I'm afraid I ended up spending a few years as the world's highest-paid star of gay pornography."

She won't say anything.

Ask her, "How does that sit with you."

You'll hear some shuffling on the other side of the wall. "Tell me everything," she'll say.

Her heart may be breaking, but at least it's still beating. You're keeping her alive.

"It all started the summer I worked at Borders Books," say to her. "On a lunch break my manager dared me to see how much of a pocket dictionary I could fit in my mouth…"

Happy You're Going To Have To Tell Her About Your Days In Gay Porn Day!