Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Wrap Yourself Up In A Big Bow Day

Wrap Yourself Up In A Big Bow Day!

When she comes home, greet her in the doorway in your raincoat. When she asks what up, drop the raincoat to the floor and reveal yourself, naked except for the giant red bow and ribbon stretched around you.

Say, "Got you a present."

She'll insist that you keep the bow and ribbon on while you have sex with her. It will be the best sex that you can remember. You'll feel like you've finally become the person you've always wanted to be.

"I like being wrapped up in a bow," tell her.

She'll smile. "I liked it too," she'll say.

Tell her, "No, I really liked it."

She'll kiss your shoulder and go in to take a bath. Get up and walk around in the big bow.

The house will feel new. Though you've lived there for six years, it will feel like you've just moved in. It will really feel like home.

"I feel like I belong here," you'll say out loud.

"Where?" she'll ask. She'll be wearing a towel. You won't have heard her come in. "Why are you still wearing that silly thing?"

"I feel so wanted," tell her. "So special."

"You feel like a gift," she'll say. "I get it. I'm gonna go make dinner."

The next day when you dress for work you'll do your best to pad the bow and ribbon down underneath your suit. Though you'll look bulky and rumpled, all day long everyone will be excited to see you and they'll hang on every word you say.

"I don't understand it," the CEO of the company will say. "But it's like as soon as I lay my eyes on you I'm brimming with anticipation. It might be an anxiety attack, but it feels too good. I'm giving you a promotion and a raise."

At home your wife will be happy for you but wary. "So the way things are going, it seems you're probably gonna keep yourself wrapped up in a bow for the rest of your life. Am I warm?"

"I just feel like I belong everywhere I go. Like my presence surprises and delights people. Just by me showing up. I feel like no one would ever say no to me."

"So then," she'll press on. "The bow? All the time?"

"All the time," tell her.

"Laters," she'll say.

Your wife will get up and begin packing her stuff.

"But how can you toss me away?" you'll ask. "The bow!"

"You're wearing a big bow," she'll say. "I'm grossed out. Ew."

You'll miss her, but your bow just feels so awesome. Now go out to the bars. The single ladies are all waiting for the season of giving to begin.

Happy Wrap Yourself Up In A Big Bow Day!