Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Pansy Rumble Day

Pansy Rumble Day!

For weeks now, the whole town has been papered with beautifully designed, four-color posters advertising tonight's Pansy rumble. "Come See Your Town's Skinniest, Weakest Pansies Like You've Never Seen Them Before," read the posters. "It's The Pansy Rumble! Pansies From Grades Six Through Eight Will Fight Until Only The Triumphant Are Left Standing. At The Baseball Field. First Rain Of The Summertime."

The weatherman made it clear that there's going to be a storm tonight. So everyone is going to be heading over to the Baseball Field to find out what a Pansy Rumble looks like. The bleachers will be full, and many people will sit on the hoods of their cars and watch from the parking lot. Two gangs of pre-pubescent pansies will face each other from either end of the outfield, holding their palms up to the sky waiting to feel a rain drop.

When the lightning cracks, the leader of one gang of Pansies (The Westsdie Gollums) will shout, "What do we find cool and refreshing?!" And everyone in his gang will respond, "Pansy blood!" And the leader of the other gang of Pansies (The Gramercy Dungeonmasters) will shout, "Are you Pansies or are you [inaudible]?" A burst of thunder will muffle the last part of his question and his gang won't respond. Both gangs will then let forth an angry roar and run towards each other. When there is only about twenty feet between them, all of the pansies will pull handguns from the waistbands of their pants and fire into the thick of the gang attacking them. 90% of both gangs will be killed. Those who live will run from the field, some with wounds. The audience will at first scatter, then the ones who had relatives taking part in the rumble will go into the piles of dead to see if maybe, just maybe, their son or daughter is still alive. A few audience members will be shot by stray gunfire, so if you go, stand in the back behind someone's big Dad.

Happy Pansy Rumble Day!