Sunday, June 05, 2005

Arrow Through Your Back Day

Arrow Through Your Back Day!

This morning you'll wake up to find an arrow sticking out of your chest (you'll wake up on your side). You won't have lost a lot of blood. Just enough to form a neat round cake on your nightshirt.

You'll try to roll over to check on your girlfriend, but that will make the arrow tear at your skin. So you'll get out of bed and look at her. She'll still be asleep.

In the bathroom, you'll get a good look at the arrowhead under the light. You'll check for markings that might indicate who shot it. You'll find only file-marks where the markings might have been.

Your girlfriend will wake up when you grind the beans for coffee.

"Oh my God!" she'll shout when she sees the arrow poking out from both sides of your torso. You try to find something false in her shock.

"Pretty freaky huh? Someone must have shot it while I was asleep," you'll say.

"Who could have done it?"

You won't answer. You'll put the Netflix DVDs into their envelopes to be dropped in the mail later today.

You girlfriend will ask again, "Who do you think is responsible?"

"Who was here?" you'll ask.

Her face will turn sour, the way she looks at you when you've had too much to drink at a get-together.

"I was asleep last night," she'll say.

"So was I," you'll reply. "I guess we both slept so deeply that someone was able to break in here with their bow and arrow and shoot me through the sternum without either of us being disturbed."

"This is bullshit," she'll say. "Fuck you."

Say to her, "I'm gonna take a shower. If you remember anything you heard or saw last night, tell me when I get out."

Go into the bathroom and turn on the water, then lean your ear against the door. You'll hear her talking to someone on her cell. Rip your nightshirt off from around the arrow and wash up under the water. When you're finished, go out there and apologize and ask her if she'll go to the hospital with you. When she goes into the bathroom to shower, check the outgoing calls on her phone. I think you'll find a surprise there (she'll have called City Hall).

Happy Arrow Through Your Back Day!