Thursday, June 16, 2005

Plant A Garden With Your Husband Day

Plant A Garden With Your Husband Day!

Six days ago you spotted your husband mooning across a lunch table at a coworker of his. You went to his table and stood quietly to the right of his martini. He untangled his hand from his coworker's and hung his mouth down low. He hasn't been home since.

Today he'll wander into the yard when your knees are damp in the soil of the begonia bed. After six days away without so much as a phone call, the first thing he'll say to you is, "You have a weapon."

Continue driving your spade into the dirt. Before he says a word, tell him about your two infidelities.

"Wow," he'll say.

Tell him when so many people come knocking you gotta open up sometime.

"Marci was the only time for me," he'll say.

"If it's over," say, "muddy your pants in this dirt and plant some begonias with me. It'll be symbolic of you and me choosing to carry our marriage into another season."

He'll kneel beside you. "What can I tell you to make this okay?"

Ask him to lie to you.

"I've been embezzling millions from the firm to provide you with the life you deserve," he'll say. "Marci had proof and threatened to expose me if I didn't sex with her thrice weekly. It was so awful, but I did it for you."

Pat his hand, already caked in mud. Say, "I know sweetie. It's all over now. It's gonna be all better now."

He'll tell you that he contracted someone from his dark past to have her eliminated. You'll go upstairs and have 13-years-married-with-a-recently-forgiven-infidelity sex.

Happy Plant A Garden With Your Husband Day!