Friday, July 19, 2013

Your Birth Video Day!

You found the videotape of your birth so you decide to watch it and see what your first moments of existence were like. When finished, you call your mom.

“Why didn’t you tell me that just before I came out of your womb, a dark, mist escaped from your vagina in the shape of the devil’s face and he shouted at everyone in the operating room, ‘He is mine and I will return and take him when the time is right?’”

Your mom explains that a lot of things happen during a delivery that no one plans for. “It doesn’t make you any less of a miracle,” she tells you.

You ask her about the crows.

“The nurses couldn’t leave the delivery room because several dozen crows had somehow entered the hospital and gathered in front of the doors of the room, creating an impenetrable black wall with their fluttering wings,” you remind her.

Your mom says that happens with those big revolving doors. Birds get in.

“And why did everyone in the room who was wearing a crucifix start screaming when the crucifixes grew hot and scorched their skin?”

Your mom begins to explain, but your Dad grabs the phone from her. “Oh for the love of Pete,” your Dad shouts. “We let some Satanists summon the devil to have sex with your mother,” he shouts. “They offered us ten grand, and we needed a new car. The Caprice’s transmission was shot. Now stop asking questions and let your mother finish bringing dinner to the table. It’s lasagna night!”

Happy Your Birth Video Day!