Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Get A Room You Two Day!

Meet him at a parade, it doesn’t matter which one or what it celebrates (nothing racist). You’ll both be alone. You’ll grow comfortable with his appreciation of certain floats, his awe at certain balloon designs, his disappointment with certain marching brigades of local organization members.

“Knights of Columbus need to step up their game,” you’ll say to him, and he’ll high five you. You’ll let your palm linger on his for a second too long, a moment too right.

“Let’s go,” tell him.

In the room, agree to stay on either sides of the bed for at least an hour. Discuss television favorites and your online social networking policies—what earns your add, what makes you unfollow—until you feel you know each other well enough to kiss. Then kiss.

Retreat back to opposite sides of the room, this time switching placement. Share a secret you’ve kept from someone indispensible in your life—a parent, a spouse if you have one, a pet. Tell each other what you can’t say to the one you can’t live without. Now strip.

Stand up and study each other’s bodies for thirty seconds, then sit down on bath towels. If you have anything that’s a dealbreaker during the act, make it known now.

One full minute of no talking. Just waiting. Anticipating. Panting for the starting gun.

The minute complete, move to the center of the bed, take each other’s naked bodies in each other’s arms, stimulate each other (with full consideration of each other’s dealbreakers) until you’re both ready to commence intercourse (unless “no intercourse” was a dealbreaker for either of you). Finish up. The entire act should take between three and seven minutes.

After, spend ten minutes telling each other stories about your childhood. Then shower separately.

Get dressed and decide who leaves first. The person who leaves second should be the one whose credit card was given for incidentals, just to be sure the other person won’t take the opportunity to rack up a huge minibar bill.

Don’t kiss goodbye. Share a smile from five feet away. Remember that just a few hours ago you were strangers. You may never see each other again. You might walk out and forget all about each other, or you might become obsessed with each other and today will completely upend the rest of your lives. In this moment, it’s just a shared smile.

You know each other as well as anyone could expect you to know each other after a single afternoon in a hotel room. You’ve done all you can. It’s out of your hands now.

Happy Get A Room You Two Day!