Sunday, September 08, 2002

When You Get The Call About The Credit Card You Left At The Bar Last Night, Propose Day!

The waiter/waitress on the phone will be berating you. Not just for being a miserable drunk. "That's a given," he or she will say. But for walking out without making sure to sign off on the well-above 20% tip that he or she deserved for having to put up with you and your friends all night. He or she will start in on how a 15% gratuity was automatically added to your bill, just like the sign behind the bar says, but if you want your card back there'd better be a twenty in your palm when you show up and what do you think he or she brings whiskeys to pieces of shit like you for college credit? That's when you pop the question.

"You're absolutely right. Will you marry me?"

This will be followed by a moment of silence. Then the waitress/waiter will probably accuse you of still being drunk and might get so angry as to threaten your life. Don't say anything else unless you wanna go through with the marriage. If you were to go, "Oh, yer a feisty one aren't ya'?" you'll probably remind him or her of that on-again off-again fling he or she had with an irresponsible but scalding hot substance abuser who finally disappeared a year ago and is probably dead. What I mean is, he or she will want you like you're truth. So don't say that. And don't say, "Do you exert this much rage in the sack?" That's just kind of dumb.

So just giggle a bit until you hear a click. Then you can lay back down and continue sleeping it off. But of course, you won't be able to since you'll wonder if you just threw away your last shot at The Big One. Stop using your heart as a punchline.

Happy When You Get The Call About The Credit Card You Left At The Bar Last Night, Propose Day!