Monday, September 16, 2002

Discipline Your Houseplants Day!

Ungrateful fern!

Let's try to avoid the new agey, "We don't say 'No' in our house" bullshit. Your old man used to slap you around when you were a kid and you turned out pretty much okay. Why should your ficus plant get a free ride? You already gave the overgrown weed a primo spot by the window and who pays for the cable around here? The goddamn cactus? Fuck that.

Show those miserable doin' nothin's that you expect some respect in your own home. Even if they haven't done anything wrong, you lash out and let those houseplants know that if they expect to depend on someone else for food, water, and photosynthesis, they're gonna have to live with getting their roots tugged outta their soil just because the one who's bringing home the paychecks happens to be in a bad mood that day. Hell, it taught you to get outta the house and find yourself a job when you were sixteen. Granted, your dad hitting the bottle and tryin' to hold your head inside a lit oven gave you that extra nudge out the door. You'd never go that far though.

You're not your father. You ain't him.