Friday, September 27, 2002

What If We Told You If You Don't Get Out Of Bed 30,000 Babies Are Going To Be Whimsically Partial-Birth Aborted? Day!

Would that work?

It's just not healthy for a smart, able-bodied person like you to spend all day in bed like this. You got laid off from a job you hated over a month ago and at first you were all, "Good Riddance to ad copy! I've got some money saved and I'm finally gonna get started on those memoirs of my early twenties!" And you bought some legal pads, then you rented some movies (they're still accumulating late fees by the by), then you took some baths and now you do nothing but sleep and stink.

You're depressed, clearly. And even worse, you have enough savings to stay in bed for another two months. But its nothing a nice kick in the pants won't fix. So we raised some money, don't ask how, and we placed some ads and here's what's gonna happen.

If you don't go outside for a walk within the hour, 30,000 pregnant women across the country are going to elect to have their local abortionists induce labor and then drive a steel rod through the back of their partially born babies' heads, killing them before they have the slightest inkling they almost became a corporeality unto themselves. And these moms-to-almost-be are going to go about the whole shebang as if they were returning some movies to the video store (something you might wanna take care of on your walk by the way). Just another line on the to-do list to send a slice of pencil led through. "Buy eggs. Check. Pick up dry cleaning. Check. Almost bring my baby into the world but cave in its rubbery skull just before it has the chance to fill the back room of the free clinic with a single abbreviated scream. Check. Take the Celica into Jiffy Lube. Maybe tomorrow."

Get the picture? Yeah, you're as pro-choice as they come. But this ain't about the supreme court crawling up vaginas. This is about 30,000 (in a million man march kind'a way. the exact figure will come closer to 19,000) new lives gruesomely extinguished just because you're freaked out about turning 32. So what if your list of "What The Greatest Semiotics Theorist In All Of Massachusetts Muttered Aloud To Himself Whilst Balancing His Checkbook" got rejected by McSweeney's. All that means is you aren't quite as insufferably impotent a cunt as you thought you were. Now get out of bed. You have fifty eight minutes left before the children die.

Happy What If We Told You If You Don't Get Out Of Bed 30,000 Babies Are Going To Be Whimsically Partial-Birth Aborted? Day! And remember, even after the partial-birth aborted baby's head is impaled, everything from the shoulders down is still inside its mommy.