Saturday, September 14, 2002

Learn How To Deliver Babies Day!

The stress is going to kill you frankly. And you seem to have settled yourself into your new desk on the thirty seventh floor of The Company That Makes The Television Commercials which means even if you bring your lunch you're looking at a minimum of two long elevator rides a day. And that elevator could break down at any given moment.

"Why can't pregnant women just be required by law to spend their last two months of pregnancy in a hospital?" you want to ask the people around the table at dinner parties. But even you, with this terror gradually coloring every length of your consciousness a dark dark red, even you know this is an inappropriate question to ask. But unfortunately, you thought it was okay to say, "What about a separate elevator for pregnant people only and there'd be a doctor and a nurse and those tongs for the baby's head on the elevator too?" and everyone at your father's seventieth birthday party just stared at you hoping you'd get to the toast, waiting for the punchline to come, and wondering why your father's son was so odd and all you could do is mutter into the microphone, "I just can't seem to find the time to learn. Um, love you, Pa."

You'd better find the time soon. Think of all the times you've flipped channels until you found an episode of M*A*S*H* and watched the entire thing hoping for tips but all you got was royally pissed off at that faggot Klinger. Add up those hours and you could've already taken three "Deliver Babies" classes. But instead, you'll just continue to break into a sweat on every elevator ride. And god forbid a pregnant woman actually get on the elevator. As soon as the pig waddles on, your pupils dilate and you just know with every creak and squeak that the car is going to stall and she's going to go into labor and demand that you help her deliver but you won't know what to do because you never took the time and there's only one thought that screams through your head:

"I'm going to kill her baby."

You wait. You whisper, "So selfish. Such a selfish man. So very selfish." You make it to your floor and step from the car like you're bridging a chasm and just as the doors close you to turn and look to the woman's stomach and you say to the fetus, "You were right to wait. I might have pulled too soon or too late and snapped your neck." You run to your office to look up the Learning Annex's registration deadlines and you find you missed the date again.

It's time for you to learn how to deliver babies. You've already been reported to security as "suspicious" by two different pregnant women. Life can be better than this.

Happy Learn How To Deliver Babies Day!