Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Go To A Park And Seek Wisdom From The Statue Of Some Guy You've Never Heard Of Day!

Sure, if you lived in Philadelphia you could go and ponder the statue of Rocky until you were imbued with the courage to reveal the secret love you've been harboring for your secretary these forty six years. "Help me, Stallion," you'd say to the shiny, chiseled titan. "Knock down my fears of rejection like so many Clubber Langs." But unfortunately, we can't all live in Philadelphia

"But what if I were to commute from Camden?" you might say. Be quiet for a second. The point is, no matter where you live, there's probably a park with a statue in it. And no matter what kind of shitstorm you've gotten yourself mixed up in, it's worth a shot to try to get some inspiration from that statue of whatshisname before you use up all your vacation days for the trek to Mount Rushmore. And because you're the first person in a long time to seek out the bust of Reginald Nobody for advice, the statue will probably be flattered and so will glow with all the moral guidance you might want from a physical replica of The Guy Who Invented The Bike Rack.

So head on down to the park, real casual like, find your statue and let it all out. Just make sure no one's watching, or keep scratching your lip to cover your mouth when you talk. Teenage gangs hang out in parks and if they think you're talking to yourself they might beat you to death. "So anyway," you'll say. "I don't know all that much about you Mister uh Langdon Sturges Latimore. But they made a statue outta ya so you must know something about getting yourself out of a jam. Here's the deal: I wanna pay to have my ex-wife's new husband killed but it seems like every dime I make goes to this kid who's threatening to tell my kids I used to fuck his mouth when he was assigned to me for physical therapy. That's what I do, I'm a physical therapist dontcha know. I taught the little faggot how to walk and now he's sayin' I'm the reason he keeps tryin' to kill himself just because I filled up his mouth with the kind of magic that can only pass from a healer to the lame and no one's ever complained before or since so--"

Oh man. Let us get far enough away first, yo. Happy Go To A Park And Seek Wisdom From The Statue Of Some Guy You've Never Heard Of Day!