Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Be The One People Go To When The Police Are No Help Day!

Do you like free fruit? Well, why not build up a mythology around yourself that paints you as a fair yet merciless body of justice? Some of your deeds should and will be fabricated, but there must be at least one, perhaps the most impressive tale from your folklore, wherein the fabrication pales in comparison to the true account of the sober and seeming superhuman determination with which a wrong was righted at your hand. If you get all that shit going for yourself, then when you try to buy oranges from street grocers, they'll refuse payment. And not just because you helped their son-in-laws gain citizenship or because you hobbled their daughters' date-rapists. But because in other countries, it's practically included in the town charter: "Free Fruit For Those Who Obey The Law That Is Written In The Heart Of Man."

You are going to have to carry yourself with a little more confidence if you wanna pull this off. Vigilantes rarely ask their mirrors, "Do I look fat in this sweater?" Also, take down that online personal ad. Or at least hide your profile. Are neighborhood drug lords really going to fear the "Personal Of The Day?" Sure, you can ask what the neighborhood drug lord was doing browsing online personal ads anyway? And he'll probably respond, "I was looking for someone who shares my love of Noh Theater and who might like to go hiking on occasion and who thinks Olives with Pimento are sexy but Olive Oil overflowing from a belly button is sexier. What's your excuse, Bronson?" Well?

Trust me, once you start spending your nights scrubbing the blood from your hands, you're not going to want to place them upon the bare and seemingly endless skin of anyone for whom you might care. Heroes don't date, they brood. And they eat as many free tangelos as they can stomach!

Happy Be The One People Go To When The Police Are No Help Day!