Monday, September 09, 2002

Ears Day!

Wow, it seems like just yesterday it was Sunday, September 8, 2002. I was so high on Sunday, September 8, 2002. But why am I bothering to shovel boring little details like that into your ears. And on today of all days, when your ears are going to be full to the brim with tongues.

That's the thing that sucks about Ears Day. No one really has any imagination. It's always, "Whoops, almost forgot about Ears Day. C'mere lady." Then SPPLIIISHNCH! The tongue goes slithering into the canal like there's a whole wad of chocolate icing in there waiting to be slopped up. And usually there isn't even a thought about the chili dog that was just gobbled up. A gargle with a dixie cup of water is too much to ask? And then right when you manage to quell thoughts of how awful your ear is gonna smell when all this is through and you actually start to dig getting your wax shoveled, bam, the dude hops off the trolley and you're there clinging to the hand rail and kind of involuntarily flexing all your naughty muscles, causing you to twitch your midsection a bit which everyone around you finds to be just so friggin' hilarious. Why does every Ears Day have to end with a trolley full of jerks laughing at you because your pants are still on and they can tell you wish they weren't?

It doesn't have to. So much more can be done to the human ear besides just sending a tongue glischping full-throttle towards the cerebellum. And did you know that 76% of Americans don't like it that much when strangers lick them? It's true I think!

Just because the ear is near the mouth on heads, it doesn't mean there is no other way to honor it but with french kisses. Have you considered panting a name into it? Or buying jewelry for it? The draping of genitals overtop of it can really win over some folks. And then there are of course those whispered confessions of longtime admiration from afar or patricide.

All I'm saying is Ears Day used to rule before we as an American workforce got so friggin' lazy. I blame liquor.

Make Ears Day Count!