Monday, September 02, 2013

You Named All Your Cats After Your Friends’ Wives Day!

“That one’s Georgina,” you tell Max, who is married to a woman named Georgina. Max thinks it’s kind of a funny coincidence.

“Georgina poops a lot,” you say, looking Max in the eye when you say it.

“What’s that one’s name?” Harold asks, pointing to the tuxedo sleeping in the corner. Harold is married to a woman named Bridey.

“Bridey,” you tell him.

Harold’s brow furrows.

“And that one?” Paul asks, standing over you, pointing to the gray girl in the corner. “Or let me guess. Constance.”

Paul is married to a woman named Constance.

“No,” you answer.

Paul unclenches his fists.

“Constance is over there on the radiator cover,” you say. “That gray girl is Nandini.”

“Hey!” shouts Ashwin, whose wife is named Nandini.

“You named all your cats after our wives,” Max says. “You adopted four female housecats and gave them our wives’ names.”

You think about it for a second, looking around at the cats, then at your friends.

“Oh my God, I did! That’s funny. I guess I always did like your wives’ names.”

They stare at you. You stare back.

“Why haven’t you ever had a serious relationship with a woman?” Harold asks.

You tell them you haven’t found the right girl, you guess.

“I think it’s more than that,” Max says.

Paul says, “I want you to switch Constance’s name with Nandini’s. The gray cat is way prettier.”

“Wait, we can switch them up?” Harold asks.

They start fighting over which cat should be named after which wife. When you refuse to switch the names, they start hitting you. Max hits you really hard a couple of times, but the other guys pull him off. They start chasing the cats, each of them trying to take the one that’s named after his wife, but the cats either scurry away or claw out of their arms.

Eventually they leave, and you spend the rest of the afternoon napping under the weight of Georgina, Bridey, Constance and Nandini, all of them napping on your stomach and crotch, licking each other clean, loving their new home.

Happy You Named All Your Cats After Your Friends’ Wives Day!