Friday, September 20, 2013

Pumpkin Patch Day!

The pumpkin patch makes adults do things they wouldn’t normally do, which is why your Dad is laying down in a pile of pumpkins and making out with some other kids’ mom.

“Daddy stop!” you’ll shout, tugging at your dad’s arm to pull his hand off the woman’s breast.

“Mommy, that’s not daddy!” the other kids will shout, yanking on and hitting her shoulder to get her to remove her hand from your dad’s pants.

Eventually, your dad and the other kids’ mom will growl, “GET AWAY!” You’ll look in their eyes and see only darkness, so you and the other kids will run to the hayride truck and let it drive you away from your fornicating father.

When the hayride truck returns, your dad will be waiting, his clothes a little rumpled, a big smile on his face.

“Was wondering where you went off to,” he’ll say like nothing happened. The other kids’ mom will be waiting as well, seemingly unaware of the wanton behavior she exhibited in the pumpkin patch.

You’ll all go home and you won’t say anything to your mom about what your dad did. It will seem to be ancient history until you spot the woman from the pumpkin patch six months from now in a grocery store, her stomach big with child. You won’t have any way of knowing if it’s your dad’s, so you won’t bring it up.

On the night she goes into labor, your dad will get up from the dining table as if in a trance and he’ll run from the house, sprinting in his bare feet. He’ll find the woman in a creek bed, ready to deliver her child. The baby she delivers will be a vessel for demonic power and it will enslave the human race to the whim of Satan. All because you nagged your dad to take you to get a pumpkin for Halloween.

Happy Pumpkin Patch Day!