Monday, September 09, 2013

Kill Your Mutual Friends Day!

You and your husband are getting a divorce, but you don’t want to be one of those couples that splits up their friends after a divorce. You have so many mutual friends, you don’t see why it has to be that you get to keep some while your husband keeps the others. You’d hate to think about your husband hanging out with all your friends without you, and you doubt you’d be able to enjoy the friendships you keep, knowing they’ve chosen to ostracize your husband.

“So that’s why we need this list of people taken care of,” you explain to the hit man.

“There’s like thirty names on this list,” the hit man says.

You and your husband nod. “We were really popular,” you say.

“One of those couples who’s always expected to throw the New Year’s get-together,” your husband adds.

“This is gonna cost a lot of money,” the hit man says.

“We don’t care how much it costs,” your husband says. “You can’t put a price on friendship.”

You give the hit man a down payment of $100,000, and he agrees to kill the first six of your friends (you went alphabetical, and that gets you all the way to the D’s) within the week. At this rate, your entire social circle should be dead by the time your divorce is finalized, making it easy for you both to move on into your new lives, ready to establish new and exciting friendships.

Happy Kill Your Mutual Friends Day!