When someone needs stuff done, you’re the guy they call.
Need a guy killed? You’re the guy they call.
Need a guy beaten up? You’re the guy they call.
Need a guy talked down to? You’re the guy they call.
Need a guy to feel special because it’s his birthday and he’s had a rough year? You’re the guy they call.
Just need to talk? Just about life or whatever? Just need someone to talk to to feel less alone in this world? You’re the guy they call.
House on fire and need someone to call the fire department? You’re the guy they call.
Need a sink fixed? You’re the guy they call to put pressure on the super to fix it.
Today the President of the United States is going to call you.
“I need the country to be better,” he’ll say.
“On it,” you’ll tell him. Then you’ll start your day, going to American after American, threatening them one by one into making their little part of the country better. By lunchtime you’ll have threatened everyone on the East coast. By dinner, you’ll have promised, in so many words, violent retribution against everyone in the Midwest should they fail to make this country great.
Tonight you’ll be in Oregon, threatening a family of five when the dad will say, “Don’t you realize you’ve been set up?”
The President’s trying to fix the fixer! The fix is in! Fix this!
Happy You’re The Fixer Day!