Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Don’t Tell Him Where You Hide Your Money Day!

Tell him what you used to want to be when you were a little girl, tell him the places you have to see before you die, tell him the things that scare you most out of everything in this world, but don’t tell him where you hide your money.

It’s not because he’s after your cash. It’s not because you’re the mark in a long con. It’s not because if he knew how much money you had it might change things in your relationship.

It’s because it’s gross.

“Like, really gross,” explain to him.

He starts looking around your apartment.

“You keep it at the bottom of your laundry basket?”

So much grosser than that.

“Your butt?”


“Your cat’s butt?”

Oh God, doesn’t he know how much time your cat spends cleaning her butt? Grosser.

“You have a jar of boogie-snot? And when you open the jar it looks like just boogie-snot, but if you dig just an inch below the boogie-snot you’ll find a wad of money?”

You’re starting to worry that he won’t guess gross enough.

“It’s in the middle of a photo album featuring nothing but photos of you doing things you don’t enjoy to impress others?”

What’s gross about that?

“Compromised character is disgusting.”


“In a bucket of human hair you surreptitiously snip from women you sit near on the bus?”

This isn’t working out.

“In a shoebox full of ear wax?”

It’s not going well.

“Under a bunch of socks full of spit?”

Just go to bed. Make him stop guessing and go to bed.

But neither of you will sleep. Both of you will realize why so many couples fight about money. It’s because they end up trying to guess the gross places where each other is hiding their money wads, and they realize they aren’t grossed out by the same things.

Money changes everything.

Happy  Don’t Tell Him Where You Hide Your Money Day!