Friday, July 28, 2006

Unearth An Ancient Potion That Makes You Irresistible To Women Day!

You'll find it when you go digging in the woods behind your house to unearth the remains of your dachshund, Motorhead, who passed two years ago (you recently discovered some things about Motorhead that made you realize his life with you was a lie and you no longer wish to provide for him a peaceful grave within your property line). The grave lost its marker during the winter and in your first hour of digging, you'll break ground in three different places without finding any dog bones. But in your third dig, your shovel will clank against a gold and jewel-encrusted flask. You're familiar with your town's local history and you know that more than one practicing wizard used to operate in the area back in the old days (1945-80). The pawn shops are full of ornate looking canisters and no-longer-magic staffs that neighbors inevitably find when they start to renovate their properties.

You'll open the flask and take a whiff. It will smell bad enough that you'll know not to drink. The smell will make you jerk the flask away from your nose and you'll end up spilling a bit on your shirt. When you get back home, you'll discover that the flask must contain some sort of magical pheromone juice because your wife, who has not been attracted to you since 9-11, will come running at you with her skirt lifted up to her belly after just one whiff. This will make you think that you're the luckiest man on earth because you have the long-dreamed-about potion that makes girls want some. But things will take a turn for the worse when your daughter comes home and she starts ripping off her school uniform and running around the house growling for the man who is wearing the scent. When she bursts into the room, your wife will react like a wild animal fighting off beasts who might try to steal the food she's killed for. Your wife will pull herself off of you and with a growl she'll whip around at your daughter and slash at her face with her fingernails. Your daughter will dodge the fingernails and she'll throw herself at your wife and the two of them will roll around on the floor punching and scratching at each other's eyes. You'll see some blood has already been drawn before you make a run for it out of the bedroom.

Downstairs a female UPS carrier will be pounding on the doorbell and when you open the door she'll rip off her uniform and take you. But soon after that, a female meter reader from the electric company will come in through the open door and slit the UPS carrier's throat so that she can have you. Then two female police officers will burst in and shoot the meter reader in the back eight times while you're still inside her. The cops will pull the meter reader off of you and begin to have sex with your blood-soaked body. Upstairs your daughter will have killed your wife and she'll come running down to find you. But before she sees you with the police officers, she'll spy all the members of a neighborhood book club running through your yard ripping off their blouses. Your daughter will find you and she'll grab a pistol from the tossed-aside holster of one of the cops. After she shoots both cops dead (you'll be stuck under the weight of one of them) she'll set up a position by the door, a bad spot for when the book club, already naked, starts crashing through the windows of the dining room and kitchen. A bloody hellish mayhem will ensue as your daughter and the book club clash over who gets to have sex with you next, and you'll realize that you really should figure out what's in the potion and market it as a kind of men's spray. You could name it 'axe' after the weapon that is used by the triumphant book club member who slays seven naked women (including your beautiful daughter) in just a few moments before she throws you onto the ground and has you all to herself.

Happy Unearth An Ancient Potion That Makes You Irresistible To Women Day!