Thursday, July 20, 2006

Cover Your Mouth At The Wishing Well Day!

Today you're going to be arrested for the murder you did two months ago, the one with the woman you saw at the Superfresh who you decided was mocking you by the way she bagged groceries and by the way she continued to live. You might have gotten away with it had you had more faith in your planning and in the care you took to dispose of the body and the murder weapon. But you were so nervous about getting caught, you felt the need to go to a local wishing well and toss a penny into it and make a wish to stay free. Fool!

Hasn't anyone ever told you that deaf people gather at wishing wells so that they can pass the day reading peoples' lips while they make their wishes? While it invalidates the wish to let anyone hear it, most people like to mouth the words of their wishes, maybe with a faint whisper so that no one else can hear. They want to make their wishes carefully, choosing the right words so as not to allow for any loopholes (like when you say, 'I want to be rich' and you are suddenly turned into a guy who made a whole lot of money creating a website called where pederasts can go to meet little kids who are looking for some nice pederasts to date).

The deaf just eat that shit up, getting a secret view into the hopes and dreams of total strangers all day long. Except usually it's a whole lot of 'please let me get this promotion' and 'please let my wife come back to me.' Very rarely is it 'please let no one find out that I killed that woman from the Superfresh, the one everyone is looking for whose disappearance is all over the papers. Please let no one find her at my house, and just so you remember which house not to send the police to, Wishing Well, I live at 9595 Grandview Boulevard. Please make sure not to send the police to the coal storage room at the back of my basement, Wishing Well. Thanks for listening, Wishing Well. Your water is pretty.'

Like four deaf guys ran from their benches to grab a policeman. A little more confidence in your work next time, Killer. Maybe take up a severe psychosis so you can blabber away to a stray dog or the little gremlin in your head instead of a giant bird toilet full of pennies.

Happy Cover Your Mouth At The Wishing Well Day!