Monday, July 17, 2006

The Chip You Implanted Into Your Killer Monkey's Brain Is Going To Go On The Fritz Day!

As you've heard from countless billionaire megalomaniacs, a killer monkey is worthless unless he's been implanted with a Jordanna Inc B.E.H. 3030 behavioral modification cranial chip, or the generic equivalent. You bought your team of Killer Monkeys eleven months ago but your schedule has been so crazy that you were only able to arrange the chip to be implanted into the brain of just one (his name is Wrinkles). Since then, you've been impressed to no end by what an efficient and adorable killer Wrinkles has proven to be. He's been invaluable in those special situations when you've had to eliminate an enemy and only a monkey could possibly get close enough to do the job (he's killed one lion tamer and three bellhop uniform salesmen). And unlike your team of killer monkeys without any chips in their brains, the one that has a chip in his brain is far more predictable. In short, the difference between a killer monkey with a chip in his brain and your basic, run-of-the-mill killer monkey is the difference between a monkey who kills the people that you want to die when you want them to die, and a monkey that just kills the shit out of everything it sees. You've never been so satisfied with a purchase.

Until today. Today the chip in Wrinkles' brain is going to go on the fritz, making him both hyper-intelligent and hyper-aggressive. He will immediately shave himself and go forth into the streets masquerading as a man (albeit with the physical strength of a monkey, which is a lot of physical strength). His chip malfunction will give him the ability to be really cheesed at the fact that his every move and thought has been controlled by you all these weeks. Wrinkles will want revenge, and he'll plan on getting it not by tearing your arms, legs and genitals from your body. Instead, he's going to take over your criminal empire, and once he does, he's going to tear your legs arms and genitals from your body. Then of course, he'll buy out Jordanna Inc and install the malfunctioning B.E.H. 3030 chip into every monkey he can get into his fold. Soon, the hyper-intelligent monkey army will wage war against the world, but you will already have had your arms, legs and genitals torn from your body, so what'll you care?

Happy The Chip You Implanted Into Your Killer Monkey's Brain Is Going To Go On The Fritz Day!