Monday, July 10, 2006

The Cancer Kid Can Help You With Your Girl Problems Day!

You're a hot-shot Chief of Surgery at a big city hospital. You're also very handsome and you make a habit of having brief yet firey flings with doctors and nurses on your surgical staff. None of them ever left a deep mark on you. Not until you met Doctor Maria Bedoya.

'Just let me explain,' you'll say to Dr Maria Bedoya from across the Cancer Kid's bed. This will have been the first time you've ever seen the Cancer Kid. He's Maria's patient. But you'll know he has cancer because he'll give off that tragically sunny vibe that only big-hearted kids with cancer give off. The one that says, 'I may only have five days left and I can't get out of bed, but do you wanna hear a knock-knock joke?'

Maria will be checking the Cancer Kid's pulse. 'I'm sure it can wait until later,' she'll say absently.

'But it can't,' you'll tell her. 'I need to get this out now. I'm going to go crazy if you don't listen to me.'

'I'm on my rounds,' she'll say. And after making a note on the Cancer Kid's chart, she'll walk out of the room without even looking at you.

'Goddammit Maria you come back here!' you'll shout.

The Cancer Kid will say, 'That's not how you're gonna get her back.'

Say, 'What do you know about it? You have cancer.'

'That's right,' he'll say. 'But I have a better chance of beating my cancer than you have of winning her back if you're gonna behave the way you are. And trust me pal, I have no chance of beating this cancer.'

The Cancer Kid will laugh really hard at his own joke. Most people usually start to cry when they hear him laugh so good-naturedly, but you've been a doctor a long time so you'll just wait for him to get to the point.

'Okay baldy,' tell him. 'What's the secret?'

'First,' he'll start, but he'll begin to cough a lot and then he'll throw up into a basin before he can speak again. This will take twelve minutes.

'Yes?!' you'll say impatiently.

'First,' the Cancer Kid will say, 'You have to show her that she means more to you than all the others. I've seen a lot of doctors in my years of battle against the Big C and when I see one who reels in a lot of action, I can tell. So can she, I'm sure. She probably expects to be tossed aside as soon as the next crop of interns shows up.'

'So how do I let her know that I used to only think about myself, but lately I can't think about anyone but her?'

'You could start by telling her just that,' the Cancer Kid will say.

'Hey, you're really on to something,' you'll say. 'You got any other tips?'

The Cancer Kid will open up his sketch-book and rip a page out for you. 'Give her this,' he'll say.

On the sheet of drawing paper will be a pastel sketch of himself in his hospital gown, still with no hair on his head, but he'll be flying over the city with a pretty girl flying next to him. On the bottom he'll have written the caption, 'My Dream.'

'Tell her you asked me to draw it for you so you could give it to her,' he'll say. 'She'll break down crying when she sees it. You should pretend to cry too and the two of you can bond over what a sweet little soldier I am. No way you'll lose that action tonight.'

'You're really good at this,' tell him.

'You have to learn to be manipulative when you're interviewing to get into experimental medication trials,' he'll explain. 'Now go get that ass, Doc.'

Say, 'I won't let you down.'

The Cancer Kid will say, 'I know you won't. Not like God did.'

Happy The Cancer Kid Can Help You With Your Girl Problems Day!