Your wife says the bike room is haunted.
“Really?” you ask, panicked.
“As I was walking past it a ghost called me inside,” she says. “He said the things he sees are things I would never in my life want to see. I ran away but he said I won’t be able to run forever.”
“I have sex with the other tenants on the bikes,” tell her. “I go into the bike room and we use the seats. Sometimes one of us sits on the seat. Sometimes one of us bends over the seat. I’m into sex on the seats.”
“You cheated on my with a tenant in our building?”
“I cheated on you with all of the tenants in our building,” tell her. “The ghost was going to tell you eventually, but I’d rather you hear it from me.”
Ask her if she’s at least impressed that you managed to have sex with all of the tenants in the building. “I’m that attractive,” say.
Your wife will say that she is impressed, but she’s still going to leave you.
“But why,” ask her. “Now that I know that room is haunted, I’m too scared to go in there. No more bicycle seats, no more cheating.”
“The bike room isn’t haunted,” she’ll say. “I read in a magazine that the best way to get your husband to admit to stuff is to tell him a ghost is going to tell you.”
Say, “Oh. Cool.”
Your wife will move out, and you’ll stay in the apartment and continue to have sex with tenants in the bike room. Just to be safe, you’ll occasionally have an exorcist come by to make sure the room still isn’t haunted, then you’ll have sex with him on one of the bicycle seats.
Happy Haunted Bike Room Day!