Saturday, April 01, 2006

Vampire Club Day!

Not long after entering high school, your little sister fell into the wrong crowd. She hangs out with these gay kids who pretend that they're vampires. Their activities amount to basically wearing black, being pale, and giving each other shitloads of hickies. Yours is a football school, so if you're not on the team or in one of the team booster clubs, you kind of have to make your own way. You're varsity, which kind of earns your sister a free pass to all the parties and clubs she could want to join. She's just too much of a loser to make friends with anybody who isn't all skinny and gay. Anyway, they like to hang out in the cemetery at night and have s�ances or some shit, and you just heard that some guys from the team are gonna go into the cemetery tonight and pound them with piss balloons (that's a balloon full of piss). You have to warn her.

"Don't go into the cemetery tonight," tell her. "Some of the guys are gonna launch a piss attack on you."

She'll say, "Good luck to them on finding us. Tonight we're going to transmogrify into a cougar. All of us as one jungle cat."

Say, "Oh good, so you'll be able to run real fast."

She'll say, "And kill with the strength and speed of ten men."

Say, "Seriously though, they're gonna through piss balloons at you."

She'll talk about that cougar shit again, which will make you call her a freak and say, "Your funeral." Tonight, she'll come home reeking of piss ad covered in hickies. She'll tell you your friends are dickheads. Tell her that she's not a vampire.

Happy Vampire Club Day!