Thursday, April 13, 2006

Your Brother The Cult Leader Day!

You hate how your parents are always comparing you to your brother the cult leader. "You always need to borrow money. Why can't you have thousands of international devotees send you Experience Tuition fees every year like Ronald has?" they ask. "Ronald came over last week and he had some of his followers reshingle the house," they tell you. "Have you found a cheaper apartment yet?" And then there's always, "Did you hear how Ronald sent that stadium full of cancer patients into remission just by having them all join hands and listen to him hum into a microphone? He calls much more often than you do."

You're going to have to call your parents tonight and tell them you can't make it home for the holiday. Don't tell them it's because you've had a tough month and you don't think you can handle listening to Ronald talk about all the enemies he's destroyed via his bottomless checkbook style of litigation. Just tell them you have to work. They won't care anyway. "We're not celebrating the holidays this year," they'll tell you. "Ronald's flying us all out to his De-Pollution Retreat center in St Tropez. Sorry you can't come, but Ronald doesn't think you'd have fun anyway because you're too accepting of the Modern Lie." That's his clever way of referring to modern life. "You're brother's so funny," they add. "You were always the serious and quiet one. He was the funny one."

Happy Your Brother The Cult Leader Day!