Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Cable Installer And The Homeless Guy Day!

You work as a technician for the cable company, cruising the city all day long in a little white van hooking people up with their HBO and their internet. You wanted to quit months ago, but you need the money. Especially now that you went ahead and proposed to your girlfriend.

Today you're going to be sent to an address that doesn't exist. Or at least, an address that used to exist. When you pull up you'll see nothing but a vacant lot full of dirt and debris. You'll check the neighboring addresses and it will be clear that you're in the right place.

"Cable man!" a voice will shout.

A homeless man will squeeze through the fence of the vacant lot and approach you.

"You give me my TV, cable man," he'll say.

"Sorry," you'll tell him. "I must have the wrong address."

The homeless man will say, "To hell with that. You give me my cable TV."

You'll explain to the homeless man that he has to have a residence with electrical power and a television set. He'll point towards the middle of the vacant lot at the TV sitting on an overturned oilcan that appears to be working somehow.

"Oh," you'll say. "You're one of those homeless people who can still watch TV."

He'll say, "You win some you lose some."

You'll explain to the homeless man that he'll still need an address where he can receive mail for the bills and it looks pretty clear that that's not possible with his current situation. He'll ask if you might be able to bend the rules for your future father-in-law.

"You're..?" you won't know what to ask. Your girlfriend told you her father was homeless, but she never went into details. "But how did you know about me?"

The homeless man will explain that he breaks into his daughter's apartment from time to time to steal the jewelry she inherited from her mother, and on occasion he's had to hide in the closet while you and his daughter have sex. "But I got a good look at you," he'll say. "Figured it'd be best if I met you, seeing as we'll be kin soon. Figured you might give me my cable for free. Do your old man a favor."

You'll worry over what your girlfriend would want you to do, but your need to make a good impression with her father will be too strong to deny him. So you'll run a cable illegally out of the neighboring building's patch and hook your girlfriend's homeless father up.

"So how do you keep your TV working out here on the streets like that?" you'll ask.

"Some homeless people are just lucky," he'll say. "You be good to my daughter?"

"Are you going to break into our house and steal from us after we're married?"

Your future father-in-law will say, "Nope." Then you'll both laugh really hard because you'll know he's lying. He'll settle in for some "Entourage" on-demand and you'll head off for your remaining assignments, really glad that you got along so well with your girlfriend's dad. When you get home and tell her what happened, she'll cry for a day before telling you that the man hasn't tried to contact her in thirteen years.

Happy The Cable Installer And The Homeless Guy Day!