Friday, April 28, 2006

Be The Bait Day!

When you took over the Presidency of your high school's chapter of Students Against Premarital Sex (SAPS), the club was at death's door. Membership was low, the club's initiatives were criticized for being largely toothless, and the previous president had been ousted after a particularly embarrassing scandal that had launched a heated debate in the editorial pages of your high school's newspaper over the definition of the word "fingerbang." You knew if you were going to have any effect at all, something bold would be necessary.

That's why tonight, with your parents out of town, you're inviting your boyfriend of two months over to your house to watch some DVDs. Outside of some controlled kissing, you and Ronald have remained chaste and he has been very supportive of your effort to promote abstinence as the leader of
SAPS. He even joined the club and took an oath to save himself. But you're way hot, and you can see the fire in his eyes. You know that his only chance of honoring that oath is if you honor it for him.

In the name of confused teens throughout the school, your boyfriend's reputation will have to be sacrificed. You have to show the student body that the head of SAPS is not content to hand out pamphlets and gather petitions to quash in-school condom distribution. They need to learn that
the new SAPS is about aggressive, preventive initiatives that will target adolescent lust at its source: The Adolescent himself. SAPS is aiming directly at the loins of the student body, and it's going to start by cleaning up its own house.

When Elizabethtown grows dull and you and Ronald begin to kiss, close the standard ten inch window of space between your torsos and embrace your boyfriend the way a wife would embrace her husband. Guide Ronald's hands to places they would never have dared to go of their own volition.
Stir his desire to a boil until his lust takes control, until the only way he'll stop is if you stop him. When his pants are undone and his shirt is off, give the signal.

Shout, "Britney fell!"

Your SAPS tactical chief will spring from the closet and snap photos of your boyfriend in his fallen state, half-naked with his hands grabbing at your still fully-clothed person. The flashbulbs will pop and he'll be too bewildered with craving to know that he's been set up before it's too late and the evidence has been captured.

"What have you done?" he'll ask.

"I've obtained proof that you have no business being in SAPS," tell him. "Your membership is revoked."

"But what are you going to do with the pictures?" he'll ask.

"Publish them," say. Try not to cry. "I've already been guaranteed the front page of the school paper. The entire matriculating class is going to learn on Monday that the new SAPS president will not tolerate weakness of any kind in her membership."

Your boyfriend will look like a puppy tossed from a moving car on the side of a highway.

"No matter how much it pains her," add.

"But I wouldn't have. If you hadn't�"

Again, bite your lip. You so enjoyed these last two months with Ronald and you can't believe you have it in you to hurt him like this. But abstinence initiatives must come first.

"It's for the sake of the program," tell him. "I need to prove that I'm serious. Serious enough to sacrifice my own happiness. Think of the message it will send to all those girls being pressured into sex, looking for someone to tell them there's another way to go."

Ronald won't be able to think that far in advance. You'll just have to tell him to leave. On Monday the pictures will appear in the paper, and everyone will see what appears to be you refusing the aggressive advances of the boy who holds your hand in the hallways, and your afternoon meetings
will grow so crowded with prospective members you'll have to move to the band room to fit everybody. Ronald will be a pariah to his old friends, and he'll fall in with a whole new and far less morally sound crowd. He'll die of a sexually transmitted disease complicated by drug addiction at the
age of seventeen, effectively turning him into a cautionary tale for thousands of incoming high school students who want some guidance about how far is too far.

What you do to Ronald tonight will earn you quite a few sleepless nights in the years to come. But he took an oath to promote abstinence, an oath to do whatever it takes to curb teen sex amongst his peers, an oath he is too weak to honor. The only way Ronald can be a service to SAPS is if you
destroy him. In exploiting his weakness, you'll give strength to countless students for whom it's not too late. If he understood what purpose his humiliation might serve, would he object?

Happy Be The Bait Day!