Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Welcome To Jail Day!

Tonight when you show up at jail, everyone on your cell block will jump out of their cells and shout, "Welcome To D-Block" and they'll unfurl a banner from the upper level that reads, "Glad To Have Ya, Kiddie Raper." You'll meet so many new people you'll barely be able to remember your own name, let alone everybody else's. They'll have managed to smuggle in a cake for you, and after it's cut everyone will gather for a "Challenge Circle," which is where two inmates meet in a circle and try to rape each other. You'll realize that it's a lot like Fight Club, except with rape. And just like with Fight Club, the surge of male camaraderie you'll feel will cause you to raise your hand and say, "Can I be next?" Everyone will applaud and start chanting, "New Guy! New Guy!" You'll be paired up with an older looking Aryan, and he'll rape you pretty fast. But in the end he'll give you his hand to pull you back up and he'll say, "Better luck next time." And everyone will applaud when you leave the circle because you'll have shown that you really want to be a part of their family. The next three weeks you spend in the infirmary will be torture as you count down the days until you're healthy enough to go see your new friends in D-Block.

Happy Welcome To Jail Day!