Today you're going to discover that you are the long-lost ancestor of royalty for a small country in the far eastern region of Europe.
"You're a princess," the kindly old crown's attendant will tell you. "It's time for you to claim your throne."
First, the attendant will teach you how to walk so that you look as if your bowels have been fully vacated. Then she'll teach you how to eat without honking through your nose. Next, she'll teach you how to dance with Princes representing those nations that you need to establish an alliance with, in order to thwart marauding armies. Next, she'll teach you how to talk like a lady (don't call it a "puss"). Finally, she'll take you shopping on the Castle's credit card.
Once you've learned how to be a princess, you'll say goodbye to your parents and you'll fly to the nation that has always been your home, where you'll quickly be beheaded following a particularly messy coup (the third one this Spring). Since the throne cannot remain empty, no matter how many crowns the peasants want to send bouncing into wicker baskets, the crown's attendant will reopen the books and hunt down another descendant with just barely a drop of royal blood in her veins to come up to the castle and rule. Hopefully, if the weather gets nice, she'll rule for more than a few weeks before the next revolt.
Happy You're A Princess Day!
