Saturday, April 22, 2006

Your Roommate Is Way Too Into God Day!

Whenever the picture on the TV becomes perfect, your roommate will say, "God really came through for us didn't he?" Or if your landlord renews your lease without a big rent increase, your roommate will read the fine print and say things like, "God definitely copyedited this paragraph." What pisses you off though, is your roommate thinks God is so awesome that he won't give you the credit you deserve. Like when you sweep up, your roommate will come out of his room and say, "Man, God cleaned the shit out of this place!"

And you'll tell him, "No, that was me. I swept. It's my week, remember?"

But he won't budge. "God did most of it," he'll say. "God always gets in the hard to reach corners."

Sometimes you'll tell him that you actually got on your hands on knees with the brush and dustpan, but other times you just let it slide.

Today when you and your roommate come home from brunch, your apartment will have been broken into. Your roommate will immediately start screaming shit at God for making it happen. But the burglar will still be in the apartment at that point, and he'll come sprinting out of your roommate's bedroom and he'll swing your roommate's DVD player at his face and take off out the open door. The electrical cord from the DVD player will whip at your roommate's ear and slice it open. When you visit him in the hospital, you'll find him in bed with his arms folded averting his eyes from the ceiling. He'll tell you that God is trying to apologize, but he's not ready to forgive him yet. Figure out a delicate way to tell him you want him to move out when he recovers.

Happy Your Roommate Is Way Too Into God Day!