Monday, May 01, 2006

Shelter From The Storm Day!

Today all the global warming stuff that all the celebrities are running around screaming about is going to happen. The ice caps will melt and the oceans will rise and flood the city. Also, dogs will freeze solid right where they're barking (forever cute!) and the clouds will take the form of medieval knights and they'll start jousting in the sky, which will of course result in heavy sleet. And finally, just like Leonardo DiCaprio and Ice Cube warned would happen in the speech they gave when they co-presented at the Independent Spirit Awards, the sun and the moon will start making out right in front of the stars and everybody. With visible tongue and lots of ass-grabs. Ew.

You'll be robbing a bank when it happens, which is about as lucky as you can get since the bank vault will be one of the few structures in the city that will prove impervious to The Day The Environment Fought Back! (that's what the movie will be called when it comes out five years from now. Some will say five years is too soon. Others will say that five years is not soon enough. A few others will say that five years is just right. Regardless, the living will continue to mourn their dead and a crappy re-enactment of how they died will shockingly have no effect on them one way or another).

When the floods come, you'll have just begun hustling a few of your hostages into the vault. Since most of your hostages will still be face down on the ground, you'll be the only one who sees the giant wall of water coming down the block. You'll react immediately, firing your gun in the air and screaming for all your hostages to get up and run for the vault.

"Run or I'll kill every last one of ya's!" you'll shout. They'll believe you since you'll have already shot the bank manager execution style in the side of the head. They'll all hustle into the vault, and you'll grab onto the assistant manager's arm and demand that she lock you all inside.

Only when the vault door is closing shut will your hostages realize what's happening. The wall of water will have reached the bank building and the towering glass windows will shatter under the pressure, sending floods pouring into the main floor where just moments ago the hostages were all lined up and waiting to get through perhaps the most mundane task of their day.

The door will seal shut just as the torrent of water reaches the vault. So close that the floor of the vault will be covered in a half-inch puddle of water.

All of your hostages will huddle together in shock. So much to process: The world as they know it is likely gone. Their loved ones are probably dead. They probably can't leave the vault without dying themselves.

"Wow," tell them. You'll have the gun so you're allowed to talk whenever you want. "Wilmer Valderrama and Dame Judi Dench were right. And to think, the only reason I'm alive, the only reason any of us are alive is because I chose a life of crime."

The hostages will smile at the irony, so as not to draw your gunfire.

"It doesn't even matter that much that I killed that bank manager either. Seeing as had I not been here holding up the place, none of you would be alive right now."

The hostages will begin to weep now. The reality will be setting in.

"And all this money," say. Pick up a brick of cash for emphasis. "A few minutes ago I put a bullet in a man's head just to get my hands on this money. Now, it's worthless."

The hostages will ask you to stop pointing out the irony of the situation so that they might weep and exclaim without being constantly interrupted.

Say, "Jeez. A little gratitude might be nice. Maybe a little 'thanks for robbing the bank big guy. You saved our hides.' Or weren't you taught to be polite?"

The hostages will thank you for saving their hides. They'll tell you that it was really lucky that things turned out the way they did and they feel very fortunate. And then they will bring up the fact that it will be a moot point that you saved them since they'll all die soon enough if no one can go out and find food.

This will be the first time you've ever been a hero, and you won't want the feeling to go away. So you'll volunteer to be the one to hunt down some food when it seems like the water might have receded enough for the door to be reopened. Your volunteering to be their scavenger will effectively make you the leader of the group, and ultimately, the leader of a significant fraction of those Americans who survived. And thus begins the story of how a bank robber became the President of post-apocalyptic America.

Happy Shelter From The Storm Day!