Monday, August 01, 2005

Rowboat Race Day

Rowboat Race Day!

Ten guys in ten rowboats are about to race across a lake to a dock where you're sitting in a deck chair. The first guy to reach the dock, jump from his boat and tackle you in an embrace without knocking you into the water wins your hand forever. If you get knocked into the water, the contest is over. Only ten guys were allowed to sign up for the race, and when the signup sheet was posted in the town square a gigantic fistfight broke out as every single man in three counties rushed for a shot at being your fella. You even got one or two married guys to go ahead and secure a quickie divorce in the hopes of securing your hand as their second or so-on wife. You're that hot (none of the quickie divorce guys made it into a rowboat).

The reason they can't knock you into the water is because you can't swim, and the rules dictate that if you go into the water, you're not to be rescued so that you'll have no choice but to learn to swim to safety. It's part of an ancient tradition in your town wherein the hottest girl in town is either married off or taught to swim in one fell swoop. Your town believes that the most beautiful women should either be married or they should know how to swim. Never both. Both is unseemly.

Your mother submitted to this process before you, and until the day she died of a lightning-strike, she wanted nothing more than for you to follow in her footsteps. However, she always hoped that you might be knocked into the water. Whenever things got hard between her and your father, your mother used to dream about what it would be like to know how to swim.

Happy Rowboat Race Day!