Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Roof Party Jumper Day

The Roof Party Jumper Day!

It's just a lucky break that you have roof access and that your rooftop has been done up as a beautiful outdoor deck. You're not rich, and neither are any of your friends. And as is common amongst the Not-Rich, many of your friends are depressed and/or chemically dependent and/or emotionally demonstrative (the rich learned to contain themselves long ago). With all of this being evident, you should know before you invite all of your friends up to your roofdeck for a party that one of your friends will break up with another of your friends (it will have been a long time coming. At dinner parties, all they do is quietly undercut each other and even more quietly cry), and that the one who gets dumped will climb onto the ledge and start making noise about jumping and about how he just wasted two years and eight months with an unimaginative drone.

You should know that everyone else will start shouting, "Get off the ledge Robby."

And that Robby will retort, "I'll get down shortly. But let me first say that Melissa Martinez is going to live a very long life and when she dies, she will not have felt a single thing. There's a woman on the roof who has never known passion and based on who she's leaving me for, she never will. And there's a man on the roof who's about to be a man on the ground."

You should know, before you send out the evite, that your rooftop party will be ruined when Robby throws himself over the ledge and dies on the sidewalk. While this won't bode well for your party, the rooftop party across the street, packed full of rich people who are no strangers to rooftop parties, will watch impoverished Robby somersault to his death and they will find this to be immensely entertaining. Thus, your sad little attempt at tasting a slice of the beautiful life will at least provide some diversion to those who are actually meant to live such a life. So you should go ahead with the rooftop party. For the benefit of the rich.

Happy The Roof Party Jumper Day!