It's the Girls Are Pretty "Goin' On An Eating Tour Of Your Butthole" Weeklong Sabbatical!
Prettygirl has been looking forward to this trip for months. The tram will launch just to left of your butthole. From there, it will progress into and up your butthole. In a week, the tram will come back out of your butthole. Throughout the entire week, Prettygirl will never once stop eating your butthole. Prettygirl hasn't eaten in hours and she is famished. Her bib has already been tied on tight. It reads, "Let's Cut Me A Slice Of Some O' Your Butthole Already, Nazi Fucker!"
Since Prettygirl will be busy all week gobbling up your butthole, the coming week's Holidays are going up in advance. As always, scroll way down to read today and try to avoid reading tomorrow's until tomorrow. If you get caught reading ahead, your eyes will be set on fire.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Teach The Pet Store Parrot To Say Stuff Day!
You didn't get hit by that car just to sit around for the rest of your life sucking on the fat of that insurance settlement did you? You always said if you were ever freed up from your responsibilities you'd use the time to finally exercise the extent of your genius. Of course, you never swallowed that horseshit anymore than your friends or you mom were willing to. But you could at least hobble down to the mall a couple of days a week and teach one of those parrots to say stuff. Possible phrases to inculcate into that parrot's skull are as follows:
Hey Fatso! Yeah, you fatso!
[YOUR NAME] is supercool!
Good luck, teach.
Happy Teach The Pet Store Parrot To Say Stuff Day!
Friday, August 26, 2005
World Record For Drinking Without Dying Or Calling Your Estranged Daughter Day!
There are several different world-records pertaining to how much one person can drink in one day. There is the record held for highest volume of alcoholic beverages (18% or greater in alcohol content) drunk in one day, followed by that person's death within the week (set by Harrison Tucker of Jackson, Mississippi in March of 1987). There is the record for highest volume of alcoholic beverages (18% or greater in alcohol content) drunk in one day while consistently operating a motor vehicle without causing a fatality (set by Maureen Bowie of Anaheim, California last Sunday*). And there's the one you're going for: Highest volume of alcoholic beverages (18% or greater in alcohol content) drunk in one day without dying or calling your estranged daughter (set by Colin Heinz of Portland, Oregon on December 24, 1977). You have to drink 11.4 pints of vodka to win.
And remember, you can't die or call Helen. Eat something first.
Happy World Record For Drinking Without Dying Or Calling Your Estranged Daughter Day!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Send The Vermin A Message Day!
Today, some kids on a speed-fueled bender are going to break into your apartment and try to beat you into a coma with some wrenches and pistol butts. They'll steal whatever they can find before fleeing via the fire escape, but it's really all about the thrill-beatdown. What you need to do is send a message to these kids and all their reprobate friends.
First, you're going to have to fight off all five of them and win.
Next, shave their heads and write little notes on their faces that say, "I'm going nowhere" and "I'm a punk."
When they go back to their neighborhoods, they'll be humiliated. And all their friends will discover that crime has consequences. Gun-related fatalities will plummet.
Happy Send The Vermin A Message Day!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Bucket Of Pee Day!
The bucket of pee that you keep in the unfurnished bedroom upstairs is full. Time to start over.
Happy Bucket Of Pee Day!
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Ziti Hitler Day!
Finances have been tight ever since your wife took a leave of absence from the accounting firm to work on her sculpting. Tonight she will unveil her masterpiece for you and the kids. It will be an eight-and-a-half foot tall sculpture of Hitler composed entirely of uncooked ziti. You and the kids will burst forth with gleeful applause when she yanks the sheet from her creation. But almost immediately, his arm upraised in salute will loose its adhesive and fall to the ground. Your wife will be devastated.
This is where the bad time begins.
Happy Ziti Hitler Day!
Monday, August 22, 2005
Write An Anonymous Love Letter On The Field Hockey Field Day!
Summer practice has begun for your high school's fall sports, which means Heather will be out on the field hockey field bright and early at 8 AM today to get ready for her first year on Varsity squad field hockey. You should congratulate her and tell her how you've always felt about her but were too afraid to tell her by writing it all on the field in sideline paint. You'll have to break in to the groundskeeper's closet, and good luck because I don't know how you're going to pull that off. But once you do, get writing. You need to be done before dawn so no one will see you from the passing traffic. Your letter should make mention of how if there were a sport where sexy knees dominated, she'd be MVP.
Happy Write An Anonymous Love Letter On The Field Hockey Field Day!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Come Up With An Excuse To Eat Part Of Your Own Thigh Day!
Say to yourself, "With all the starving people in, um, other countries, who am I to eat food that didn't come from my thigh."
They bought it! Now dig in!
Happy Come Up With An Excuse To Eat Part Of Your Own Thigh Day!
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Mating Season Day!
Watch out for yourself because mating season begins today. Everywhere you go, people and animals are going to come up behind you and try to penetrate you. Even when you've obviously got hold of someone or something else that you are attempting to penetrate from behind. Many of the people and animals that will try to penetrate you are not the sort of people or animals that you would ever find attractive. Be polite, but firm.
Happy Mating Season Day!
Friday, August 19, 2005
Bury The Hatchet (You And Your Former Best Friend Are 85) Day!
Being as you are 85, it's time to forgive your former best friend for stealing the woman you loved in 1962. After all, she hurt him in 1988 far more than he hurt you in 1962. Let bygones be bygones. Give him a call and say, "Being as it's amazing that either of us didn't wake up dead today, wanna call a truce?" Your former best friend will hang up on you without calling a truce, but he'll die first.
Happy Bury The Hatchet (You And Your Former Best Friend Are 85) Day!